the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
