I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
