i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
