i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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