i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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