Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
