2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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