false alarm. still invincible.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
