very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
