we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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