Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
