it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
