Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
