i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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