I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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