Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
pray to the hookup gods
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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