swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
