Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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