So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
