so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
