Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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