apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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