Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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