I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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