Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
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and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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