I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
did i just pee glitter
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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