you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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