you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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