look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
