when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
