If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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