My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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