HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
