I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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