This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
