just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
