dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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