And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
