great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
