I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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