I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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