I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
