I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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