When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
