I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
