Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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