I didn't shave. On purpose
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
