The best revenge is premature balding
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
