I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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