Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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