is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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