His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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