Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
