im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
