Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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