Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
