im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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