a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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