My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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