So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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