I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I smell stomach acid.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
pop tarts are not kleenex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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