i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
