He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
