Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
