I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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