I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is the high leading the old right now
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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